i watch this canadian mtv show on logotv called “1 Girl 5 Gay s” and david robert is one of the cast members on this show.  this video was done in response to the suicide of 15-year-old, Jamie Hubley of Ottawa, Canada.  he decide to end his life because of the constant bullying and depression he was facing as a gay teenager.  this is not the first story like this.  the publicity surrounding these suicides has increased.  there is an organization that has been creating videos with celebrities and companies in order to reach out to youth in crisis called It Gets Better. There is also The Trevor Project, an organization dedicated to helping gay teens in crisis.

when i came out, i was really lucky to be surrounded by some amazing people.  i remember the fear i had when it came to telling people that i loved.  will they still love me? will they hate me?  i remember crying before, during and after these conversations.  i still take in a couple of large breaths when i come out to people today.  i have never been one of those, “Hi, my name is Ann and I am a lesbian.” kind of people.  you will know me and love me before i tell you.  it is just one part of me.  it is an important part of who i am but not what defines me.  i used to give talks to kids in high school, in college and in church telling people that it is okay and that they are not alone.

i have been through a lot of things that make me feel like i am alone on this earth and that no one in this universe could understand my pain.  i have been in the darkest valleys where only my mind could take me.  i came out of the closet when i was a junior in college.  i cannot imagine figuring it out in high school.  telling people now seems so easy compared to twenty years ago for me, but it still can be hard.  the saddest part is that it is something about YOUR personality that has absolutely no affect on the other person’s life that you are being judged upon.

i consider myself out of the closet in all aspects of my life. my family, friends, and co-workers know that i am gay.  i speak openly about my relationship and my past.  i know that in the past i was the first person to tell them, now it is much more commonplace.  however, i feel it is still important that i do not hide.  the more open i am with other people the more open they are with me.  it is not all that defines me, but it is an important part of who i am.  it was hard at first, but it gets better.  i was lucky enough to have role models when i came out of the closet to help lead me through the darkness.  my wish for the younger generation and for the future is that it gets simpler to be able to be yourself.

why can it not be simple?

i have been making videos for my love to celebrate each passing month since we met. the idea i had for the next one involved me showing that actions are more powerful than words.  however, she shared this song with me and i think it conveys the message stronger than anything that i could have created myself.  it is about the kind of love i have been looking for and the kind of love i have found.  there really are no words that can describe it.

i can talk a good game.  i express myself really well in written form.  i think words are important.  they can hurt and they can heal.  however, in the end, it is our actions that are louder than any words that are spoken.  it is the hug. it is holding someone’s hand while they are crying. it is giving without expecting in return.  it is a text message.  a letter. a card.  it is picking someone up when they have fallen.  it is looking someone in the eyes and smiling.  it is answering the phone when sometimes it is not convenient.  it is asking questions and wanting to truly know someone. it is being there for someone when all seems lost.

i have been loved through action all my life.  i am blessed by those who surround me.  i have fallen, have been picked up and carried.  i have been broken and put back together.  at times, it has been without words at all. i try to do both…love through words and action.  i want my actions to reflect what comes out of my mouth.  this song reminded me of a quote someone used on a retreat i went on in college. and though i am not perfect, i am striving for an amazing destiny.

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.

Watch your words, for they become actions.

Watch your actions, for they become habits.

Watch your habits, for they become character.

Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

tonight i am overwhelmed by gratitude for the family i have been blessed with, the families that have adopted me over the years, and for my ever-growing contingent of good friends.  i do believe that the energy that you put forth in your life comes back to you tenfold.  if you give willingly of yourself, then you will receive in abundance.

i have always accepted people at face value, at exactly where they are in their life, and at times, where they are in that very moment.  i am not perfect, far from it.  my flaws fall into the “go big or go home” category.  i have made plenty of mistakes and i try to forgive others for theirs.  i have no room to judge other people, unless of course, they hurt the people i love.

as a result of this acceptance of others, i have been surrounded my whole life by people who have embraced me and my personality with open arms.  and it has been a lot to handle at times.  i can be pretty strange.

what i love most about the people that surround me is that they accept me for ME. they open their doors to meeting the woman i love and accept the importance of her role in my life without hesitation.  they want to know about her.  they ask after her.  they love that i am happy.  they tease me about smiling when i talk about her.  they tell me i deserve happiness.  they tell me that i deserve her.

my friends and family both, including my parents, respect the choices i make with both my head and my heart.  they have grown with me over the years and never attempted to change who i am.  the only person who has to live with the choices i make is me, but i do love having my loved ones by my side.  people may question the choices that i have made in my life, but i know that i am on a journey.  i am not alone on that journey.  there is a purpose and i have faith that i am on the path that is right for me.  everything that has happened in my life, has happened for a reason.

overall, i am grateful for the respect.  my relationship is just as important as yours. the love i have for another woman is just as important as your love for someone of the opposite sex.   when i say i am committed to someone,  people know i will go to the ends of the earth for that person.  i do not say the word “love” lightly.  i will say it often to those i care about, but it carries weight.  i do not hide. i am not ashamed.  God don’t make junk.  and i cannot control who i love. my heart has chosen.  and if you don’t like it, well….i have two words for you.

don’t look.

“Serendipity. Look for something. Find something else, and realize that what you’ve found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for.”  – Lawrence Block

i am a huge believer in things happening for a reason, even the littlest things.  the strangest set of events led to me meeting one of the most spectacular women in my life.  i do believe that everyone that i come across in life has an impact on who i am and on who i become.

someone i went to college with has been missing since June 17th, last seen in Virginia Beach actually.  we got to know each other some in school, lost touch after graduation and were facebook acquaintances.  he is a teacher, a writer.  he clearly impacted all of his students, his friends and his family.  his disappearance is suspected to be due to his contract not being renewed for next year.  i definitely can relate to feeling lost due to a life-altering event like that.  i have wanted to walk away from an old life before and start anew with no one knowing my name.  i am very lucky that i have had people to pull me away from that edge.  i have faith that with the number of friends and loved ones that are on the lookout for him that he will be found.  it has served as a reminder to me that you will truly never know how you can impact the life of another.

life can change in an instant. ten years ago, i was engaged to be married.  i wore a ring on my finger for almost eight years of my life.  at the time, it was the right answer.  i thought it was the right person.  now i know that it was the best thing that never happened to me.  i think we would have both been miserable.  i think she is happy now.  i do not talk to her, not sure i ever will.  i finally had the cry i needed about her, the last cry. and i realized that there is no looking back.  all moments in my journey have led me to the happiness that is my today.  i did not go through the last two years of pain and growth in order to risk losing the goodness that is staring me in the face with the brightest blue eyes i have ever seen. i keep looking around and waiting for someone to wake me up from this dream.  i refuse to be afraid to take the risk of loving someone with my whole heart.  and the best part is that i met her at a wedding.  this truly has been the year of change.

new friends. new experiences. new place. new love.

epic win.

this is a song from one of my favorite movies, 500 Days of Summer.  i have officially six minutes to compose this blog before i have to get ready for work.  so here goes.

i have been battling my insecurities since the beginning of this new relationship. am i good enough? why me? am i too damaged?  do i have too much emotional baggage?  i did not feel worthy of the amazing love my girl offers to me so openly and willingly.  i really could not feel more open and at home with anyone.  i even told her what i was mad about on the SAME day that it occurred…that is a huge indicator for me and for anyone else that knows me.

i know a man who does not even know the meaning of the word insecurity.  i wish i was more like that.  i am working on it.  i constantly ask if people are upset with me.  i worry if i am saying something wrong.  i made some huge mistakes in the past and i am trying not to repeat them.  i read something from a blog that i really liked….

by Mandy on “The Single Woman” Blog:

“And then it hit me. I had to say goodbye to HIM, so I could say hello to ME.

So, my friends, and especially my friends who are currently nursing a broken heart…you must remember this, if nothing else: You will find your smile again. You will get your groove back. You will love again. And you will be able to take where you’ve been and use it as a roadmap for where you’re going…and for where you’ll never go again. I did. And though I know in my heart I will never revisit him, or that version of me, again…I also know I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. Because he helped create me. Every tear, every piece of my broken heart, every second of pain…are all colors on the canvas of my life. That relationship didn’t DEFINE me. It helped REFINE me. The ashes of the girl I used to be turned me into the diamond of the woman I am today.”

i have to keep telling myself….i am worthy. don’t be afraid. what you put out there will come back to you tenfold.  it already has.  i am amazed.

i have been through some difficulty in my life.  i have survived.  i became stronger.  over the years, i have processed the pain and heartache suffered at the hands of other people.  entering a new relationship has been a catalyst for revisiting some of those moments in my mind.  i have a long list of lessons learned.  recently, i even attended a wedding of someone i dated fifteen years ago.  the couple was clearly meant to be with each other and i was elated that they found one another.  i was young and naive when we dated.  i learned so much from that relationship.  that was followed up by my longest relationship to date which has left me an insane amount of memories to process.  i have buttons.  i made a list.  a list of what i wanted, what i did not want, and what i dreamed of from a partner.

thus far, our story is like something from a movie.  but it is real.  it truly is the little things that make me happy.  my camera brought us together along with a series of random events over the course of the last few years.  if i had not worked one of my least favorite jobs in retail, we would never have met.  i would not have met two of my closest friends on earth if not for that job.  do i believe that things happen for a reason? HELL TO THE YEAH.  i am a believer in a larger plan?  yes i am.  i believe.

if i had to go live through every minute again over the last thirty eight years in order to be where i am right now, then i would.  without hesitation.  i do not begin to know what the path has yet to hold for me.  but loving her is as easy as breathing.  i am grateful and lucky.

and it is clear to all those around me, i am in love.  she is amazing.

when i left maryland, i used an owl city song to describe my mood.  yet again, i am embarking on a new journey with a new person in my life. and for the first time, i am not scared. when she agreed to share my path with me, i felt such an inner joy and a peace like i have never felt before.  i have never dated anyone like her.  she seems to know how to love me without me having to ask.  she gives without knowing and with her whole heart.  to say that she is anything short of amazing would be a crime.  i am her biggest fan and she is mine.  i learn new things about her every day, but i feel like i have known her all my life.  and she truly makes me feel like i’m the only girl in the world, that there could not possibly be anyone else for her.  she feels like home to me.

there are circumstances outside of us that make things a little challenging. but honestly, i would not have it any other way.  i never do things the easy way.  i fell in love with her seemingly overnight and i never looked back.  i am following my heart.  and oddly enough, my brain has followed suit. believing that i deserve someone so incredible was unthinkable in the past. now i know that is not true.

a crush. an infatuation. a connection. a love.  A-MAZING!!!!

happiness.

i had my first photo session with a person who was a complete stranger last week.  it occurred due to a friend who asked me take pictures at an elementary school talent show.  she looked at album of photos on facebook and decided that she wanted me to take her photos.  as a result of that, i have gotten several requests for my photography and even one from a couple who live in California. that is a whole lot of “wow” for me.

i am amazed at the chain of events that is occurring in my life right now.  some things that seem completely random appear to all be coming together.  the people that i have encountered in the last month have really been incredible.  i feel changed.  i know i have changed. there is something coming around the corner that quite possibly be one of the best things i have ever experienced.  i am excited.  i am nervous. i am fascinated. i am all in.  mostly, i am moved and i am grateful.

this is one of my latest videos, a collaboration with my friend, jino fort.  he is leaving soon to take part in the show “So You Think You Can Dance.”  he is one of the most creative men that i have ever met.  it comes so naturally for him.  it flows out of him like his dancing.  he was definitely born from a boombox.

i am really proud of the way this video turned out.  lately, my work has been requested and not something that has been a matter of circumstance.  i have always wondered whether i could produce artwork on demand.  now i do it every single day.  i used to wonder if i could handle criticism of my artwork by others because art is such a personal statement.  everything i create is an extension of myself.  the good. and the bad.  i know when there have been moments of genius. and i know when the work is mediocre at best.

and i have found that just like with personal criticism, the negative criticism is what i swallow whole.  i can take it better now than i did when i was younger, but it stays embedded in my mind. a friend of mine told me recently that i was “holding back.”  i knew when i read those words that they were true.  i know that i can produce photography that people will be happy with in the commercial sense.  but am i doing work that i am proud of, amazed by or happy with?  not yet. i want my work to take people’s breathe away. to be different. not just to be good, but to be great.

do not get me wrong.  i like the work that i have produced.  i know i am getting better.  i just know that i have not pushed myself beyond what is safe for me.  it is a reflection on my life right now.  in my personal life, i have been hiding behind my camera. my friends. my family.  even in dating and in making new friends, my true self has never been at risk. i am still me, but a watered down, prim and proper, me.  but until someone pushes to know the real me, i do not put it out there.  ask ME questions, i dare you. i know that my photos tell a story, that they inspire a feeling.  that is who i am.  i am a story, a feeling.

i will accept the compliment that i try to put forth a person’s “best you.”  i want people to see the beauty in people that i photograph. right now, i think i need to take a step back. a step away. listen to a friend’s advice.  and breathe.

this is going to be a “duh” kind of statement for those people who know me well.  i have trouble living in the present.  i am all about enjoying the moments of life while i am living them.  however, i have gotten in the habit of overanalyzing things after good things have occurred and laying blame upon myself when it may or may not be my fault.  i almost instantly assume that i have done something wrong, almost every time.  i am constantly saying “i’m sorry” for things that are not my fault.  it is a bad habit learned long ago. possibly from birth.

i was sitting on a swing the other day and the wind was blowing all around me.  it was just a wonderful feeling of relaxation.  i let my thoughts go and just let the warm wind envelop me.  simple moments like that need no extra thought.  it was God telling me to let go.  enjoy my life.  moment to moment.  i think i may have to have those words tattooed on my body to remember to live them out.  just let go.  i tend to dwell on the things that could have been and regret my words and actions, playing them over and over in my head.  in reality, things are going to happen as they should.  situations are what they are meant to become.  it is what it is.  accepting the present and letting go of the past is what i am learning to do.  embracing what is good in my life and not focusing on what is missing.  letting myself relax and falling in love with myself again. it is easier said than done.

“Throw your soul through every open door,
Count your blessings to find what you look for,
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold,
You’ll pay me back in kind and reap just what you’ve sown.”

- Adele – “Rolling In The Deep”